Things I'm not allowed to do when I go to Hogwarts
by willoffire123
Summary: When surfing the Internet, Ron finds a very interesting list. He feels compelled to share it with his friends. Madness proceeds. I suppose there might be such a thing as dying from laughter...
1. Chapter 1

**Willoffire123: So, this is something I saw on somebody else's profile page. It was so funny that I had to copy and paste. It was also so funny that I felt that I had to share it with you.**

**Harry: I saw the list. Most of them are okay…as long as they don't have anything to do with me.**

**Willoffire123: But the ones about you are the funniest!**

**Harry: No they aren't. By the way, Willoffire123 doesn't own Harry Potter.**

**Willoffire123: Humph! Party pooper. Let's see the chapter.**

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><p>Harry's POV<p>

"Hey Harry, Hermione, Fred, George, you've got to see this," said Ron. We joined him around Hermione's computer. In case anyone was wondering, we were at the Weasely's house for the summer. Hermione had brought her laptop with her.

"What is it?" asked Hermione.

"I'm not entirely sure," said Ron, scratching his head. "I found this on Hermione's computer. I think it's supposed to be about Hogwarts."

That caught our attention.

"What?" snapped Hermione, grabbing her computer from Ron. Her features slackened when she saw what he was looking at. "Oh, that's alright. It's only a list. Probably written by a graduate of Hogwarts. I thought muggles might have found out about us."

"What kind of list?" I asked.

"Things I'm not allowed to do at Hogwarts," Fred read aloud over Hermione's shoulder.

"This looks good," said George eagerly. "Lets have a look, shall we?"

"Alright then," said Hermione. We settled down in the Weasely's living room, Hermione placing her laptop on the coffee table in front of our little group.

"Since I found it, can I read first?" asked Ron.

"Sure," said Hermione. "Read away."

Ron started to read. "Things I'm not allowed to do at Hogwarts.

Seamus Finnegan is not after me lucky charms"

I burst out laughing. "What?" I asked defensively. "It was pretty funny."

"Lets promise not to interrupt, there are 127 of these rules. If we keep interrupting, we'll never finish," said Hermione. We nodded in agreement and Ron kept reading.

"2) I will not start singing 'We're Off to See the Wizard' when sent to the headmasters office.

3) I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class

4) I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss"

"Hey!" I said indignantly, the others rolling around on the floor, howling with laughter.

"You've got to admit, mate, that one's pretty funny," said Ron, snickering slightly as he started reading again.

"5) Professor Flit wick's first name is not Yoda. Who's Yoda?" he asked.

"Never mind," said Hermione. "I'll start reading now."

"6) Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar"

"That one was uncalled for," I said hotly. The others nodded in agreement and Hermione kept reading.

"7) First years are not allowed to be fed to Fluffy"

"Depending on the first year in question," said Fred thoughtfully, George nodding in agreement. I edged my seat as far away from the twins as possible.

"8) I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his "time of the month""

"That's disgusting," said Ginny, having come to join us in the living room. We nodded, not even bothering to go any further into that one.

"9) I will not give Hagrid Pokémon cards and convince him they're real animals"

"What's Pokémon?" I asked. Nobody knew.

"I think it's a Muggle TV show in America," said Hermione.

"10) I will not sing the Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches

12) When Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout "To the Batmoblie, Robin!""

We were all rolling around on the ground for that one.

"Oh, gosh," said Hermione, wiping tears from her streaming face. "Let's keep reading. Some of these are quite good, really."

"13) When a class-mate falls asleep, I shall not take advantage of the fact and draw a Dark Mark on his arm.

14) It's not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes house points from Gryffindor"

"No, it's not," I said angrily. I could see that the others were trying very hard to suppress their snickers.

"15) Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is simply coincidental"

"I don't think anyone of us here knows what Nazgul is, so I'll continue reading," said Ginny.

"16) I will not refer to the Weasely Twins as "bookends""

"That's a good one, Fred. We're now the 'bookends," George declared.

"17) I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.

18) I will not hold my wand in the air before I casting spells shouting "I got the power!"

19) Its not necessary for me to yell "Bamf!" every time I apparate.

20) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music when wandering the halls.

21) "To conquer the earth with flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice."

"It most certainly is not," said Hermione, horrified, while the rest of us were howling with laughter.

"22) I am not allowed to make light saber sounds with my wand.

23) I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue and call them smurfs."

"If anyone does that I will hang them by their ears to that ill-tempered old Gargoyle's tail on the Astronomy Tower," said Hermione menacingly, the rest of us, still howling with laughter.

"24) I will not slip Malfoy a Love Potion in his morning goblet of Pumpkin Juice.

25) I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life" to Voldemort."

"The next time I see him, I will definitely be saying that," I declared.

"26) Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera.

27) I will not refer to the Accio charm as "the Force".

28) I will not call Dumbledore "Santa Claus!" during the Christmas Holidays."

"But he doesn't look anything like Santa Claus," Hermione exclaimed.

"Oh Hermione, you don't have much of a sense of humor, do you?" said George once he was done cackling with laughter.

"29) I will not put Muggle fairy book in the History section at the library."

"You know, I think there might actually be one in the library," said Hermione thoughtfully, her voice nearly completely drained out by Ginny's laughing.

"If there isn't, I'm putting one there," said Fred.

"30) I will not send Snape a bottle of shampoo for Christmas."

"Snape is undeserving of any of my presents," said Fred. "Let alone shampoo. Here, let me read next."

"31.)I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "I told you I was hardcore"."

"That sounds painful," said Ron.

I rubbed my hand. "Better than _I must not tell lies_."

"32.)House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers."

"They most certainly are not," said Hermione, outraged.

"33.) Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever moneymaking concept."

"It is not," said George, mocking a horrified face. "We did that three years ago, earned most of our savings there."

"34.)I am not allowed to tell Hufflepuffs there is no Santa Clause.

35.) I am not allowed to refer to myself as the New Dark Lord.

36.)I am not allowed to sneak into Professor Snapes private chambers to watch him sing I Will Survive in the mirror, as it is disturbing.

37.) I am not allowed to steal Professor Flitwicks wand, hold it over my head and laugh as he tries to reach it.

38.)I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice.

39.) I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.

40.) I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.

41.)The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid.

42.)I will not subvert the lock on the fourth-floor girls' bathroom and sell its location to first-years as "The Chamber of Secrets".

43.)When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, I should not cite "Fred and George Weasely" as my greatest influence at Hogwarts."

"True, true," said George.

"We are terrible role models, kiddies," said Fred, winking at us.

"44.)Putting down "Lord Voldemort" is probably not best either."

"We are, however, better than him," said George.

"Yeah, at least we can take a joke," said Fred.

"45.)A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly."

"Neither are muggle dustpans, muggle mops, or any other muggle cleaning appliance. I'll go next," said George.

"46.) Hogsmeade village is not "a wretched hive of scum and villainy. "

47.)I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.

48.). I will also not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.

49.)Sending rings to the nine senior faculty at Yuletide, with the return address "Voldemort", is not funny.

50.)Insisting that the school acquire computers and network the buildings is a pointless request as they claim that a quill and parchment is sufficient.

51.)Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.

52.)I may not have a private army."

"Ahem! Harry," said Ron, glaring pointedly at me.

"What! Like you weren't considering it," I said defensively.

"53.) I must not substitute chocolate-flavored laxative for Professor Lupin's prescription-strength chocolate.

54.)Nor am I to in any way substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy.

55.)I am not the wicked witch of the west.

56.) -I will not refer to Professor Umbridge as such either.

57.) I will not melt if water is poured over me.

58.) -Neither will Professor Umbridge.

59.)I shouldn't use Photoshop to create incriminating photos of my house prefects or tutors.

60.)I will not enchant the Golden Snitch to fly up the nearest fan's nose.

61.) I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.

62.) I will not test my Potions assignments by spiking Snape's drink with them.

63.) - Especially not all of them at once.

64.) I will not try to hock off my old piercings as "priceless Muggle artifacts."

65.) I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos."

66.)Professor Snape definitely does not have pointed ears, and under no circumstances is he to be addressed as 'Spock'.

67.)I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently. Or, for that matter, Harry Potter.

"That is very creepy," I said hotly, turning red as everyone howled with laughter.

"Oh, lighten up, Harry," said George.

"68.)When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce 'These are not the droids you are looking for'.

69.)Thestrals do not resemble the Muggle toys known as 'My Little Pony'.

70.)The four Houses are not the Morons, the Borons, the Smarts and the Junior Death Eaters."

"Oh my gosh," said Ginny, tears of laughter streaming down her cheeks.

"So, are we the morons, or the borons?" asked Ron curiously. Nobody knew the answer so George kept reading.

"71.)I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort."

"That one's my favorite," said Bill. Hermione leapt out of her skin in fright.

"Wh-when did you get here?" she stuttered.

"Oy! Bill! You know how Hermione gets when people sneak up on her," Ron complained, Hermione having scratched his check with her long fingernails when Bill had spoken.

"Just now. I'll keep reading," said Bill, sitting down next to Ginny.

"72.)Despite my personal beliefs, Quidditch would not be improved by the introduction of muggle firearms.

73.)Though they are doubtless more athletic, battle-axes are not acceptable either.

74.)I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts, A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins."

"Who?" Ginny interrupted.

"Read 'The Hobbit'," said Hermione. And that was that.

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><p><strong>Willoffire123: Hope you liked it! Next chapter will be coming very soon. Checking out my profile page and voting on the poll would spur me to write faster. Oh, and reviewing as well. Now if you will excuse me. I am going to bed. For I am very sleepy. Until next time!<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**Willoffire123: Happy early Palm Sunday! I'll make this quick since I have a big show tomorrow with the choir I sing in. (I have to be there by seven in the morning!)**

**Harry: On with the chapter!**

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><p>Harry's POV<p>

Bill continued reading. By now, quite the crowd had come to join us. This crowd included: Mr. and Mrs. Weasely, Charlie, Fleur, and Percy.

" 75.)I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes.

76.)I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.

77.)I am not allowed to ask Professor Dumbledore if the size of his beard is 'compensating for something'.

78.)I will not create a betting pool on that Voldemort is Harry Potter's father."

"That's disgusting," I complained. "I don't want him to be my father! He tried to kill me!"

"Relax Harry. We all know who your real father is," Hermione said soothingly.

"Yeah, Voldemort," muttered Fred.

"79.)Headmaster Dumbledore is of no relation to Willy Wonka."

"Who?" asked Ginny.

"No idea," said Ron. "I'll read next."

Ron tried to keep reading. But burst out laughing every time he opened his mouth.

"Oh, I can't read this with a straight face! It's definitely my new favorite, but I can't read it."

"Try, Ron," coaxed Ginny.

"80.)Professor Snape's proper given name is not… Princess Silvermoon Fairywing GlimmerMcSparkles."

We all roared with laughter. I could see tiny lights dancing in front of my eyes, swimming with tears of mirth.

"81.) I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter."

That sobered me up. "Why are so many of these about me?"

"Because you make for a funny joke inspiration," said Ron, smirking.

"82.)Harry Potter and Ron Weasely are not the magical equivalent of "Batman and Robin"."

That wiped the grin off of Ron's face.

"That would make me Batman, wouldn't it?" I asked, smirking at Ron. To avoid further discussion, Ron kept reading.

"83.)I will not play the Imperial March theme for Professor Snape.

84.). - However, when Lucius Malfoy visits, I may play it.

85.)If I insist on carrying out my plans of producing "Riddle-de-dee: The Voldemort Musical", I will do so under a nom-de-plume.

86.) I will not attempt to recruit the title character to play himself. Even if he looks good in tap shoes.

87.)I should not refer to Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle collectively as "Team Rocket" either.

88.)I am not allowed to discuss my theory that Voldemort is actually the second cousin of Sauron.

89.)I am not a 'ninja sent here by Lord Voldemort to destroy Harry Potter' and should stop shouting this at meal times."

"No comment," I said.

"But you just did," retorted Ron.

"I'll keep reading," volunteered Charlie.

"90.)It's not tasteful to approach Cho wearing a shirt that says All the good-looking ones die young with a picture of Cedric Diggory on it.

91.)I will not yell "Hey look It's Lord Voldemort!" when in Hogsmeade

92.)I will not tease Voldemort about the time he needed his pink flowery teddy bear to comfort him when he had that bad, bad nightmare about Harry"

"That's my new favorite," I declared, the others positively shaking with suppressed mirth

"93.)I will not charm a poster of Britney Spears on Draco's wall

94.) I am not allowed to claim that growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is "Extra Herbology Work."

95.) I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin-House mascot.

96.) If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, assume that I am not allowed to use it.

97.) I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and bet on which House will come out alive."

"Gryffindor, duh," said Ginny, the rest of us nodding in agreement.

"98.) I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "The Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas Feast."

"That might actually be very cool," said Hermione. "I wonder if I could get Professor McGonagall to-"

"Let's cross that bridge when we get there, dear," said Mrs. Weasely. "I'll read next."

"99.) I am not allowed to declare an official "Hug A Slytherin Day."

100.) I will never ask Harry if his Voldie senses are tingling."

"I'm starting to really hate this author," I said, my face going red at everyone's uncontrolled laughter.

"101.)I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways."

"That sounds like fun," Ginny mused. "Pity I don't know how to use a sword."

"102.) I will not dress up as Voldemort on Halloween.

103.) It is a bad idea to tell Snape he takes himself too seriously."

"He most likely already knows that he takes himself too seriously," said Ron.

"104.) I will not tell Sir Cadogan that The Knight's Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel, then have all the students say, 'Ni' from various directions."

"That's my favorite," declared Mr. Weasely.

"105.) I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet.

106.) I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes."

107.) I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween."

"But, that was already number 102," said Ron, sounding very confused.

"Beats me," I said, shrugging. "I want to read now."

"108.) I will not call Professor McGonagall "McGoogles".

109.) I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rocks series during Arithmacy exams.

110.) Dumbledore is not Gandalf, and the Triforce is not hidden in Hogwarts.

111.) There is no such thing as the chamber of Double Secret Probation."

"George, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" asked Fred, a mischievous glint in his eye.

"If it's we tell the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher that some random chamber is the chamber of Double Secret Probation, then yes, yes I am," said George.

"112.) My name is not "the Dark Lord Happy-Pants" I am not allowed to sign my papers as such.

113.) Bringing fortune cookies to divination class does not count for extra credit.

114.) I will not douse Harry Potter's invisibility cloak with lemon juice to see if he will become visible while wearing it and standing by the fire in the common room."

"I'll have to try that myself before this guy does," I said, scowling at Ginny, who was giggling uncontrollably.

"115.) I will not tell first years they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.

116.) I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.

117.) I will not give Gryffindors pixie sticks."

"Well, it depends on the Gryffindor in question," said Fred. "Us, for instance, should never be trusted with that much sugar…"

"118.) I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbot, and Justin Finch-Fletchley as Blossom, Buttercup, and Bubbles.

119.) A time turner is not a flux capacitator I should therefore not try to install it in a muggle car.

120.) I shall not refer to DADA professors as canaries in a coal mine.

121.) When fighting death eaters in the annual June good vs. evil fight I will not lift my wand skyward and shout "There can only be ONE".

122.) A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or playing drums no matter how bored I become.

123.) It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the results would be.

124.) 42 is not the answer to every question on the O.W.L.S."

"I'll keep that in mind when I take them," said Ron, sounding perfectly serious, only to receive a whack on the head by his mother.

"You most certainly will not," she said hotly.

"125.) I am allowed to have a cat, rat, toad, or an owl. I am not allowed to have reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.

126.) No matter how good an Australian accent I can do I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

127.) I will not refer to the Defense against the Dark arts professor as Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak."

"That's the end of the list?" asked Ron.

I nodded. "Thank god it's over. I don't think I could stand life at Hogwarts if any of the ones about me happened. Wait a second. There's one more."

"What does it say?" asked Percy.

My face turned white as I read aloud.

"128.) I will break every single rule on this list as soon as I get to Hogwarts"

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><p><strong>Willoffire123: The end! Just to let you know. I came up with none of these rules, except for number 128. Hope you thought it was funny. Voting on the poll on my profile page would make my day. Reviewing would also make my day. If you don't know whom the people mentioned in the poll are, that's okay. You can look up a picture. Or you can pick two at random.<strong>

**Harry: Until next time!**

**Willoffire123: You stole my line again.**

**Harry: What are you going to do about it?**

**Willoffire123: Torture you some more in my Batman Beyond crossover fanfic.**

**Harry: Oh crap, I'd forgotten about that one.**

**Willoffire123: About that, now that I'm back in school. Or at least, I go back on Monday. I won't be able to post chapters as frequently as I usually do.**

**Willoffire123: One other long term notice, once I get out for summer vacation, I'll be going on a 2-3 month Hiatus. I really don't want to. But the sleep away camp I go to has no wifi. Sorry! (I meant I don't want to go on the Hiatus. I do want to go to camp though)**

**Willoffire123: That's pretty much it. Oh, wish me luck for my Palm Sunday performance! Until next time!**


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